A searing mount of uncompromised guilt overtook me as I realized I had just defended her, after I myself had been just as angry over a similar issue weeks earlier. Even then, I had known in my heart that it wasn't necessarily her fault. I became my mother who, weeks earlier, had listened to my frustration over being cancelled on by my younger sister. She had quietly explained the circumstances behind my sisters decision and that it had in fact been her and not my parents who had made it. I should have understood. Carley wasn't the only one with a massive load of homework that needed to get done. Of course I didn't expect her to loose as much sleep as I did because of my horrid time management skills. Unlike myself, she was being responsible. If that meant that she couldn't come to compassionate-either because she had to study for her test the following day, or because she needed to finish her english homework-then so be it. She had accepted the fact that she was just going to have to miss out on all of the fun stuff, no matter how much she wanted to see me or her friends. Why was that so difficult for me to understand? The greatest irony of that conversation is that I was behind in my homework myself. I shouldn't have been going either, if I'd had the sense to make the decision. However, I have not fully accepted the fact that I need extra time for evrything. I'll be the first to admit that I leave it all until the last minute (a very stressful one I might add). I had grown accustomed to convincing myself that I had time to do both. I completely overlooked the the two or so all-nighters that would inevitably result from this decision. I had solely focused on MY feelings and how the whole ordeal made ME fell. What about Carley? Look at all the things SHE had to give up!
Now, hearing the same anger and disappointment coming from someone else I loved reminded me of that conversation again, only this time, I was the one with the understanding. It's interesting how God puts us in situations that help us learn about why things are the way they are. Like he's saying "Now do you understand? If you hadn't had a similar experience, you wouldn't be able to stand here right now and teach someone else about it." It also got me to thinking what the real reason was behind why I'd reacted the way I had. No. I hadn't been mad at Carley. I think in truth it was the fact htat my family in general are rediculous when it comes to making plans with other people-myself included. We commit to something before we have time to think it through or check the calender, and when we get double booked-well, something has to go. But we never think of how it affects the other people involved. It makes me wonder how often myself and others have done the classic "no worries, it's ok. maybe next time then." when what we really want to say sounds more like "Argh! Not AGAIN! You ALWAYS do this to me! Why bother saying you can come if you're just going to cancel?! In fact, why should I even bother asking you?!" Obviously it's something I'm going to have to work on in the future.